


Light

by galaxystiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood, Friends to Lovers, Jealousy, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-29
Updated: 2016-11-29
Packaged: 2018-09-03 03:21:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8694397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galaxystiel/pseuds/galaxystiel
Summary: Five times Castiel saw the sunrise and one time he was otherwise occupied.





	

**1.**

“I don’t know why I married you when you clearly don’t want to be here. You never have.”

Castiel shifted in his bed, his cheek pressed against the pillow as he faced the wall. The fighting had started again. He didn’t know what had started it off this time, but he could hear his daddy yelling at his mommy. They were always screaming at each other. Castiel knew it was his fault, his mommy had told him so. He’d ruined her life.

“Will you keep your voice down, Chuck, for God’s sake? You’ll wake up the kid!”

“ _The kid_? Is it too hard for you to call our _son_ by his name? It’s Castiel, in case you forgot. You know, since you’re never here, rolling in from God knows where in the early hours.” She rarely used Castiel’s name, she always called him kid. Castiel didn’t mind though. His mom sometimes smiled when she called him kid. She never smiled when she said Castiel.

“ _Our_ son? That’s rich. He’s only _our_ son when you want something from me, otherwise he’s _your_ son.”

“Well maybe if you were any kind of mother to him, he’d be _our_ son all the time.”

Castiel scrunched his eyes closed and tried to block out the shouting. He knew it was late; it was dark outside. He couldn’t even see any of the lights from the house next door shining through his window, so he knew everyone had to be asleep. Like he was supposed to be. But mommy had promised him a bedtime story, so Castiel had waited up.

“I can’t do this anymore, Chuck. I never wanted kids, I never wanted this life. I’ve had enough.”

Silence.

“And Castiel?” Chuck asked, defeated. “What exactly do I tell our son about why his mom walked out?”

Walked out? That was okay, mommy went out every night. Castiel was a big boy now, he could watch cartoons until she came home.

“I don’t know.”

He could hear his mommy crying and he got out of bed, looking around for his slippers. Hugs always made him feel better when he cried, maybe that would be enough to stop his mommy from being mad that he was still awake so late.

“So that’s it, you’re not coming back? You’re just walking out on us.”

Wait, what?

“This is the best thing for everyone. Castiel will understand when he gets older. Tell him… tell him whatever you think is best.”

The sound of the front door opening coincided with a lump rising in Castiel’s throat. He made it to the top of the stairs when the car pulled away and he realised that his mommy was gone. His lower lip wobbled as tears filled his eyes. He’d be good if his mommy came back, he would promise not to ruin her life any more.

As quick as he could, Castiel ran into his room and climbed up onto the window sill. The car was already out of sight, but Castiel could see the first rays of light peeking over the horizon.

He sat there for hours, shivering, wrapped in his bumblebee blanket and hoping that his mommy would change her mind and come home.

She never did.

 

* * *

**2.**

“Dean, we’re supposed to be in bed now,” Castiel breathed, looking at the door fearfully in case they woke up Mr. Winchester.

Benny snorted and kicked him through their sleeping bags. “Ain’t that late, Cas, stop bein’ a wuss. Besides, if Dean ain’t allowed to stay up on his birthday then when can he stay up?”

Castiel supposed that logic was okay. Sometimes his dad let him stay up extra late on his birthday and even let him have ice cream. Dean’s mom had let him have ice cream too, and a second piece of pie at dinner. Dean hadn’t wanted a birthday cake, so Mrs. Winchester had baked him a birthday pie instead. It had tasted so good.

“But what if we wake up your dad? Or Sam? He’ll be mad.”

Dean scoffed. “Nah, my dad is cool. He’s not gonna yell at us for not being awake. Besides, I wanna see the sun come up.”

Castiel stopped arguing. Dean was his best friend and his word was law. He knew he wasn’t Dean’s best friend – Benny had that job – even though Benny would be going off to middle school soon and he and Dean were still in the fourth grade. Castiel was okay with that. Dean liked Benny more, but Castiel knew there was still room for him too.

Besides, Benny was cool. Sometimes.

Other times, Castiel wished he was Dean’s best friend the way Dean was his.

He felt a small pang of triumph when Benny fell asleep, and then followed it up with a moment of guilt. Benny was nothing but nice to him; it wasn’t Benny’s fault that Dean liked him best.

“Psst, Cas, c’mere,” Dean patted the bed beside him. “Don’t want you to fall asleep too.”

Castiel scrambled out of his sleeping bag and joined Dean on the bed, gratefully wrapping one of the blankets around him as he made himself comfortable. It was quite a cold night, January wasn’t exactly one of the warmer months of the year.

By the time the sun rose, they could barely keep their eyes open. They managed to watch the first golden-orange hints of light touch the street before Castiel crawled back into his sleeping bag.

“This was fun,” he mumbled. “Shame Benny didn’t get to see it.”

“Maybe next time,” Dean yawned. “You’re my best friend too, Cas, it was fun to watch it with you. Night.”

Castiel drifted off with a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

 

* * *

**3.**

The music was loud, the thumping beat vibrating through the walls and floors and it made Castiel’s head spin. Or that could have been the beer, he wasn’t entirely sure. He just knew that he felt great, better than he had in a long time. He’d even gotten to dance with a few of the cheerleaders that usually never gave him a second glance. That had been fun.

Sometime during the night, he’d lost Dean. Usually, that kind of thing bothered him, especially since Castiel had a reputation for hating these kind of parties, but he was actually having the time of his life tonight. For once, he wasn’t spending his time hung up on watching Dean flirt with any girl he encountered.

He pushed through the crowd on his way to the kitchen to grab another beer, stopping to high five Benny as they passed each other. Dean wasn’t with him either. That made Castiel frown and he took a detour, climbing halfway up the stairs to get a better look.

“You looking for Winchester?” Balthazar appeared next to him with a small smirk and a nod at the front door. “He’s outside, puking into Victor’s dad’s prize petunias. You might want to get there before Victor finds out, or fists are going to fly.”

Castiel sighed and shoved his way to the front door, slipping out. Dean wasn’t hard to find, he just followed the sound of the puking until he found Dean on his knees, retching over a rose bush.

“Woah, Dean.” The fresh air and instant shock of finding Dean in such a state was enough to sober him up. “You good?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Dean swiped at his mouth and got up, unsteadily. He lurched and Castiel moved to catch him before he hit the ground.

He threw one of Dean’s arms around him for support as he carried him away from the party. Yeah, there was no way Dean could stay there any longer; he’d be tempted to start drinking and it seemed like he’d had way too much already.

They were already halfway down the street when Castiel realised that neither of them could go home. In order to go to the party, they’d both claimed they were sleeping over at the other’s house. If he took Dean home, they’d both get into an abundance of trouble.

They ended up settled in the backseat of the Impala, still parked outside Victor’s house. Neither of them were sober enough to drive, but they had access to heat and blankets and it wouldn’t be the first time they’d stayed up all night.

“You looked like you were having fun tonight.”

Castiel shot a sheepish smile at Dean and shrugged. “I guess so. It was nice to reconnect with Meg, I haven’t seen her since, what, fifth grade?”

“When she was blonde and skinny, and now she comes back to town brunette and with curves to die for,” Dean muttered. “You gonna go for it?”

“Nah,” Castiel sighed, staring down at his lap as he struggled to force out the words he’d been repressing for a long time. “There’s a guy…”

He was terrified to look up and see Dean’s reaction but he forced himself to. Dean’s opinion was everything to him. Meeting Dean’s eyes, he wasn’t surprised by the shock he found reflecting back at him. For a second Dean looked like he was struggling to say something, but instead nodded.

“That’s cool. To each their own. You gonna go for this guy?”

Castiel shook his head. Maybe one day Dean would be ready to face up to the fact that he was something not quite straight, but Castiel knew he wasn’t there yet. It wasn’t his place to push, Dean would figure himself out in his own time. Until then, Castiel had to keep his own feelings buried.

“Nah,” Castiel kept his eyes fixed on the horizon as the sun slowly started to rise, his expression wistful. “Maybe one day. I’m playing the long game.”

Dean laughed and clapped him on the back. “Atta boy, Cas.”

 

* * *

**4.**

Castiel pulled up outside Dean’s house, humming cheerfully to himself. He’d gotten two more acceptance letters that day, for Dartmouth and KSU. He knew Dean had also been accepted into KSU, so he was looking forward to telling him that they could go to college together. Both had discussed wanting to stay local, even though they’d be living in the dorms. Dean didn’t want to be separated from Sammy and Castiel liked the idea of staying close to Dean.

He knocked on the door and smiled widely at Sam. “Hey, is Dean home?”

Sam shifted awkwardly, looking behind him. “Cas! Hey. Uh, yeah, he’s just a bit busy right now, I’ll get him. Wait here.”

Castiel frowned as Sam practically darted away from the door. He could hear whispering, raised voices and then the sound of Sam’s bedroom door slamming.

“Dean? Sam?” He called out, stepping into the house and closing the door behind him. “Is everything okay?”

He blanched as he came face-to-face with Lisa Braeden, her lipstick smudged and her shirt buttoned wrong. She grinned at him awkwardly, smoothing down her hair as she squeezed past him, calling out her goodbyes.

Castiel stood, stunned, staring after her. He was so shocked, he didn’t even hear Dean enter the room, shirtless and with his jeans unbuttoned. It didn’t take a genius to work out that things with Lisa had been about to take a steamy turn. Castiel’s fists clenched by his side, his knuckles turning white from the pressure. Lisa Braeden? When did that happen?

“Oh.” His voice came out strangled, high pitched. “I didn’t mean to interrupt anything.”

Dean waved off his apologies casually as he tugged a shirt over his head, fastening his pants. “It’s cool, she was just leaving. What’s up, Cas?”

“I just wanted to tell you I got a couple of college letters today. I got accepted into Dartmouth and… how long have you and Lisa been seeing each other?”

Dean didn’t look surprised by the non-sequitur, just shrugged casually, a small smirk playing around the corners of his mouth. “Couple of weeks?”

“Weeks?” Castiel breathed, feeling an ache start in his chest that was quickly threatening to overwhelm him. “You never said anything. Why wouldn’t you tell me that?”

“I don’t have to tell you everything.” Dean shrugged, his shoulders squaring defensively. “I guess I was going to tell you when it came up.”

Stung, Castiel recoiled, actually taking a few steps back. Since when did he and Dean have secrets from each other? What had gotten into him?

“Then I guess I don’t have to tell you everything either,” he replied hotly, actively turning to leave. “I guess I’ll tell you about college _when it comes up_.”

Dean moved across the room, blocking Castiel from getting to the door. “Cas, what’s going on? Are you seriously mad right now? So I got a girlfriend, so what? It’s not a big deal.”

Girlfriend. Castiel felt like he’d been punched in the gut, nausea rising. It was that serious already and he hadn’t even known there was anything between them. Hell, he hadn’t even known that Dean and Lisa ran the same crowds, they never spoke at school. How could he not have noticed that this was going on under his nose?

“It is a big deal. Because you chose not to tell me. Because you actively chose to keep it a secret from me, and don’t pretend otherwise. I saw Sam’s face when he answered the door. You told him not to tell me.” Castiel allowed Dean to prevent his exit, but he was shaking with impending anger.

Dean fixed him with a stare. “So this is why you’re mad, because I didn’t tell you?”

“Yes.” It took a second of staring into Dean’s eyes but suddenly Castiel had enough. He’d been keeping his feelings bottled up for years and if Dean was going to force the issue then Castiel was done hiding how he felt. “No. No. I’m mad because… it should be me. You should be with me.”

He felt a strong burst of satisfaction as Dean’s eyes widened and his hand slipped away from the wall. It felt amazing, to finally say the words that he’d been hiding for so long. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted, like he could finally breathe again.

“Cas…” Dean swallowed, his emerald eyes still wide with surprise. “It’s not that I haven’t thought about it. You’ve no idea how much I’ve thought about it. It’s not that I… I do feel _something_ for you. But not like this. I like Lisa a lot and… and she’s who I want to be with right now. I want to give it a chance.”

Castiel felt the sting of rejection and dropped his eyes to the floor. It wasn’t like he hadn’t expected this outcome.

“Message received. I should go.”

Dean threw his arm out again to stop Castiel from leaving. “Cas, wait. Please. You’re my best friend. I just want to know that we’re okay.”

Castiel didn’t look at him, just pushed his way to the front door and left. To him, it spoke volumes that Dean didn’t come after him.

He drove far outside of the town lines, pulling over when his tears made it impossible to drive. How was he supposed to bounce back from this? He’d spent so long hinging his life around Dean, he didn’t even know who he was outside of that. All his plans for the future revolved around being with Dean, he didn’t even have a backup plan that involved doing those things alone. He needed to discover who he was at his very core, what he wanted out of life that was just for him. Ever since his mom had left, he’d clung to Dean, and now he needed to let go and take care of himself.

It wasn’t healthy, the way he fit his life around Dean. Deep down, Castiel knew that. The way he’d instantly replaced his mom by clinging to the closest person to him, his best friend. He needed to let go, to give himself time to heal from the abandonment he’d never quite recovered from.

The sun was coming up when Castiel drove home, and when he eventually pulled up in his driveway, he checked his phone. Nothing. It told him everything he needed to know, and he shut his phone off as he headed inside. The college acceptance letters were lying on the table in the hall, and Castiel picked up the letter for KSU. His hand didn’t even quiver as he tore it into shreds, tossing the pieces in the trash without a second thought.

The sunrise had brought clarity with it, and Castiel knew his future lay in Dartmouth, with Dean being a chapter in a book that was finally closed.

 

* * *

**5.**

It was late when Castiel’s flight landed, and even longer by the time he got back into Lawrence. He felt weird, being back in his hometown for the first time in four years. College had changed him and yet he was very much the same. It had been hard, adjusting to a life where he knew nobody.

It had been even harder to adjust without Dean. Dean had called every day for the first month, but when Castiel had never picked up, the calls started to fizzle out. Eventually, they stopped altogether. It had taken time, but Castiel had moved on. Now, when he thought of Dean, it was with wistful memories of a chance they’d never taken.

For the first time, he felt free.

He’d dated a little, but nothing had ever stuck. He’d been too reluctant to become attached to someone else, to find a replacement for Dean when he was trying to discover himself.

Now freshly graduated, Castiel had come home. He’d been offered an interview at an accounting firm just outside of Topeka, and was looking to find somewhere to settle down. He was glad to be home, to see his dad, to find his place in the town that he’d been raised in. He hadn’t worked out if he was going to see Dean, unsure if his presence would be welcomed, but he’d figure that out in the morning.

Dropping his bags off in his hotel, he used his rental to drive through to Lawrence, stopping at the Roadhouse diner. He felt more human once he’d gotten some coffee inside him and some hot food in front of him. Castiel dug in eagerly, his attention thoroughly caught by the greasy bacon cheeseburger.

“Hey, Ellen, can I get a coffee and a slice of pecan pie to go? Thanks.”

Castiel swallowed his food and turned slowly. He would know that voice anywhere. There was a twinge of something in his chest as his eyes fell on Dean, but time had healed a lot of wounds. The last few years had been good to Dean. He had broad shoulders, muscular arms and had shot up another few inches. Yet it was still Dean, same green eyes and spattering of freckles.

Castiel shrank in his seat, still undecided if he wanted Dean to notice him. The last thing he wanted was to cause a scene, after all. Unfortunately, the decision was taken out of his hands when Ellen nodded in his direction and Dean turned, jaw dropping.

“ _Cas_?”

Dean hurried over and dropped into the seat opposite, taking the time to look over Castiel in amazement. “Cas, wow, I can’t believe you’re here.”

Castiel managed a genuine smile at Dean’s beaming grin and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “Hey, Dean. Yeah, I’ve just graduated so I’m back in town.”

“That’s awesome, man, I always knew you’d do well for yourself, I told Benny that you’d be moving onto bigger and better things,” Dean laughed. “Are you sticking around or is this just a pit stop?”

Castiel flushed at the compliments and ducked his head with an embarrassed laugh. “I have an interview, so I’m probably going to be sticking around. How about you, did you end up going to KSU?”

There was a brief interruption as Ellen brought over Dean’s coffee and pie, and Dean had already consumed three forkfuls before remembering he’d been asked a question. “Oh! Right, yeah. I got my degree in engineering and I’m in the process of taking over the autoshop from Bobby Singer.”

Castiel nodded, pleased. Dean had always wanted to be a mechanic and it was great to know that he’d gotten everything he wanted out of life. Four years suddenly seemed incredibly long, and growing up with Dean suddenly seemed like a lifetime ago. They were both living the future they’d dreamed of, but without each other.

An awkward silence fell between them as their eyes met. “That’s great,” Castiel managed, eventually. “Dean…”

“Don’t,” Dean stopped Castiel with a raise of his hand. “Cas, you don’t need to say anything, okay? I understand. I didn’t at first, but I do now. You never owed me anything. Not a damn thing. It doesn’t need to be said.”

“Yeah, it does,” Castiel interrupted. “It really does. I can’t… I moved on, but it feels like I haven’t really, not until I get all of this off my chest. You deserve to know why I left you behind, and I deserve the opportunity to say the things I never got to.”

Dean paused, eventually giving a nod and setting down his fork. “I’m all ears.”

“I didn’t leave because you got a girlfriend, or because of anything you said. I left because I had spent all my life planning a future that ended with us, without leaving any room for _me_. Realising that wasn’t on the table any more, it was like my whole life had been swept out from under me. I had to go, or I would have fallen apart.” Castiel wrung his hands together under the table, suddenly all nerves.

Dean nodded again. “I accepted that long ago, Cas. Why’d you think I stopped calling? Not because I gave up on you, because I didn’t. You can ask your dad, I called every break to see if you were coming home.”

Castiel bit his lower lip, worrying the flesh between his teeth. “I thought you’d moved on. It would have been understandable. That was all I needed to say, anyway. Do you want to talk now?”

“Nothin’ to say,” Dean shrugged, smiling slightly. “I spent hours thinking of everything I’d say if you came back, but now you’re here, I can’t remember any of it. Can we just… let it go? Maybe catch up, go out for a few beers if you end up sticking around? It’s been a long time, Cas, but there’s a part of my life that’s always been missing without you.”

The words took Castiel’s breath away and he found himself giving a shaky nod. They moved onto lighter topics, about interests and college experiences and even recalling fond memories of their childhood together. The more they talked, the more the years between them fell away, and it was like Castiel had never been gone. Eventually, Ellen interrupted them.

“Boys, you’re gonna have to head on home now. We gotta shut for a few hours before the breakfast crowd. Look, the sun’s coming up.”

Castiel blinked and sure enough, he and Dean had spent the whole night talking and catching up. “Oh, damn, sorry Ellen.” He placed down a generous tip to make up for it and he walked out with Dean. “Shit, Dean, I never meant to keep you out all night. Your girlfriend must be going crazy. Are you still with Lisa?”

Dean looked at him like he was crazy. “Cas, I broke up with Lisa about a week after you left for Dartmouth. She’s got a kid now, shacked up with some biker dude.”

Castiel stared. “But… I thought you said you wanted to give things a chance with her. Did something happen?”

Dean laughed, sadly, shaking his head in contrast to his words. “Yeah, it did. You left. I thought what I had with Lisa was what made me feel on top of the world, but it wasn’t. I got to have you and her, I thought I had it all, but then you left and I realised it was never her I wanted to be with.”

Castiel’s heart skipped several beats. Time seemed to freeze around him, but Dean continued.

“Everything good walked out of my life the second you left for Dartmouth. I threw away the best thing that ever happened to me. I got why you left, Cas, because when you did, I realised that I had no back up plan either. That the future I envisioned had just disappeared because I was too fucking dumb to see what was right under my nose the whole time.”

Without a second thought, Castiel surged forward. Dean’s arms opened automatically, catching him in a tight embrace, and when their lips met, there was no hesitation or regret.

Around them, the first stirrings of light went unheeded against the brilliance of rediscovered love.

 

* * *

**+1.**

“We should get you out of those pants, Mr. Winchester.”

Castiel laughed, giving Dean a sultry look as he was pushed down onto the huge bed, pillows flying everywhere as he shoved them away. Beside them, a bottle of champagne lay on ice, ignored.

“You just like saying that, don’t you?”

Dean paused in his ministrations to press a loving kiss to Castiel’s lips. “What’s not to like? I get to call you Mr. Winchester for the rest of my life now, you’re just gonna have to get used to it.”

Castiel glanced down at the silver band that adorned his finger and smiled. Today had been the happiest day of his life.

“I could get used to that,” he breathed, happily. “Close the curtains and then get over here.”

A quick tug and they were in darkness again. Outside saw the birds begin to chirp as the sun rose, but Castiel didn’t care.

He had his new husband to pay attention to, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> [MY TUMBLR](http://blueeyedangel.co.vu)


End file.
